NOT QUITE LOVE

By Robyn Forst

It happens to gays and everyone else too!

The loving of someone who does not love you. It holds some unique problems.

How can you even present the you to this one who cannot fairly reject the you they don't really know? A feeling comes on so strong, that maybe, possibly, hopefully, they might care if they really knew you, but the chances of a full presentation of you are almost nil.

With the opportunities for limited seeing of the one so deeply loved, even a mild hello from them becomes a treasured crumb. You hang on their words hoping and wishing that one word will come through that gives you an inkling of a positive feeling toward you.

What effect does this preoccupation with love for the one who does not love you have on your life, lifestyle, and ability to function as a whole human being. The frustration of feeling that others should help you to keep you from suffering. Your personal acquaintances who should be able to share your pain and console you while you try to find your way out of this terrible dilema,

One alternately has strong feelings of finally overcoming the fixation, the desire, the crush, the love, the admiration, and then suddenly like a rekindled fire it all flares up again as though it were just beginning.

And then the search to end it must start anew. How?How How? If it were easy it would have never been. The times when one thinks over and over how it might possibly be. What if they had the same feeling? The ever constant hope, the dream, and then it is shattered by some act or word of the one so loved.

One wonders, how would things be now if this had never been? If this hopeless love had been avoided. What would be here in its place? An emptyness. A some one else. The possibilities are endless and can go on and on.

Now suddenly the loved one confronts you that they are suspicious of your feeling Not fully outright, they are afraid of their own ego flight, but suggest, pose and question. At the same time they make quite clear that they never would be a part of your world.

And now it is over, or is it? Now the ending of the seeing and only the images remain. Of course at first the ugliness fades and only the best shows in the spotlight of memories. The long unloving seems almost like something that really never happened. The failure becomes not only the failure at love, but starts a feeling that maybe you fail in everything, not just love, but life, career, all thought. Then if that is true one is not much of a human being, maybe none at all. And this is disaster!

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